Did you ever try therapy?”
I’ve always defended the idea of it, truly. Anyone who would come to me I’d say, “go for it, try therapy”. I myself have never before. Always felt like I had close friends around me with whom I could open up and be vulnerable while having the conversations I would have with the therapist, and for free. In the moment I realize how selfish that was, I had no other option but to look for some professional help.
Talking to a psychologist that is there to listen to you is something beyond measure. They are prepared for whatever. That is not the news here. I always knew talking to a professional should make it easier to get good advice about what you want to do with your life. What has been challenging in regards to it is the fact that I don’t really know how to honestly be vulnerable.
One thing I learned about myself when I started having therapy is that I did not know is that I wasn’t really opening up to friends as I thought I was. The moment my therapist told me I needed to be honestly vulnerable and actually speak up about what it is that I was feeling has been one of the weirdest things I’ve gone through.
“So you don’t know how to share your actual feelings?”
Put a price on my emotions or rob them. I don’t seem to care about the price I pay for therapy sessions in which I’m not really opening up. What is the fear? Is it a fear, and if so, a fear of what?
Dealing with loss, loneliness, betrayal, trust issues. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been broken within a moment several times. Can’t seem to use anything other than metaphors to bring that up.
I’ve been used to listen, to advise, to help others. I’m not used to speak and let others help me. Don’t come too close or you’ll see what I’ve been trying to hide.
Vulnerability is too risky of a choice.