Future, past and the void in between
Everything that begins will have an end. It’s really complicated to understand this when you are young. You don’t want things to end. You don’t believe they will. As older you get, it’s easier to accept the fact that everything ends, yet, not so easy to be okay with it.
I’ve been saying goodbye to my old self and life for the past three years now. Quarantine during the pandemic allowed me to sit tight and assess my life from a different perspective. Coming out of the closet as a bisexual man has been the single most life changing thing I did publicly. Loosing my closest friends and family from the time I was in church was the most life changing thing to happen to me in private.
Lately I’ve been calling some of my old pals, best friends, those bros you meet in life, a lot of them to figure that nothing really broke, just different routine due to the miles apart between the universes we inhabit. From others I found how challenging it was to them this whole deal I set myself into. From one in particular, I heard a very honest and belated apology. From most, I figure how important they are to my past while also coming to terms with the fact that that time of my life is over, and I just need to move on from those people. Cause the thing about people and relationships, is that you can not stop yourself from changing or stop others from changing as well. In the end, you need to accept that while you’re changing and moving on with your life, people are as well, and at some point, it is just impossible for you to keep them in your current life, as well as impossible for them to keep you in their current lives.
And that is okay.
You probably already noticed you are not as fit to their new lives, or the opposite, that they don’t fit yours. And yes, understanding it without a proper closure might feel like a mean thing to do, but regardless, necessary to many levels. Not everything in life that meets an end comes with a closure. Mostly, life just happens and keeps happening without a lot of the landmarks we’re used to see in the stories we tell each other.
Realizing it can be both liberating as much as scary too, but nonetheless, gut punch real. You might as well feel it in everything you do, and might not even notice until some old photo pops up on your facebook account as a memory for the day. That is the moment you remember those people from your other life. That is the moment you feel the void.
We call it the void not because we know it’s empty, but because we don’t know how far it goes and how full of wonders it actually might be.
But once you’re able to accept that life simply happened, you’re then free to move on with your life, like you’ve been doing before you remembered of those you left behind.
And then you focus on those you have now, cause that’s all we got, the now, today, the present.
The past is memory. The future is abstract. The present is all we got.
But if the future has already began, then it must come to an end in another future present, whenever this comes to past.